I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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