Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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