every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
