M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You need Xanax blowdarts
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
