38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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