my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
