i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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