why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
