im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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