I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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