Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I didn't notice because vodka
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
