when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
