Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
