I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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