Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
