My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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