The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
