if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
