Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
