I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
