i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
