Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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