Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
