He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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