I'm so fucking centered right now
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
