If that was your dad, he is hot
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
