if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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