you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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