i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
