He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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