I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
