I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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