I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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