Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my shit smells like andre
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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