Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
