1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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