Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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