This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
