ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
