he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
