my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
