wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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