just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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