He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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