please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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