Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
