Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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