Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
