Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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