im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
