a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
