So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
