Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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