Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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