can we get nightvision for the apartment?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
