mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
