Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
