I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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