her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
