So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
