so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
