I met the friendliest cop last night
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
