Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
